Like the title of the post says, I'm going to be candid. (Pauses, takes a deep breath). I am painfully, painfully shy, and brimming over with insecurities. For the longest time, as far back as I can remember, I've had esteem issues. It's why I rarely post on Facebook or anywhere else, and why this blog is such a dismal and neglected place. I don't post drawings or artwork because I am afraid of how people will judge them. I'm not athletic. I was never into sports. I'm not a genius mathematician or a brilliant scientist. I don't play an instrument. I'm not a scholar or a linguist. All I know is plain, standard, American English. I really don't have much. I have trouble connecting with people. My sole bridge to the outside world is and has been animation and drawing. I remember the first assignment from first year in Matt Sheridan's class. I just can't help but feel that if I had not made such a good first impression, I might have gone through the year talking to know one. I would simply have been known as the strange, short, fat guy over there with the unkempt hair and large glasses. I don't know. All I know is what my experiences have taught me. Unfortunately, I've come to rely on my work too much. Now I'm so afraid of my drawings being judged that I'm afraid to show them. I feel like when my work is judged, I am judged. This is why I'm a perfectionist and a procrastinator. Both of those things are terrible things to be, because it means that nothing gets begun or completed. I make so many drawings and come up with so many story ideas, but never follow through with them for fear that they will fail. I am terrified of failure. I am terrified of humiliation and rejection. These are the fears that define all of my actions and my personality. If one were to ask why I did what I did or why I did not, my answer would simply be, "to avoid that which I fear."
To go off on a tangent, I wonder if other people are also defined by that which they fear. I'm sure that many are.
To sum up this incredibly embarrassing post, I guess that I just want whoever reads this to know that if I did not respond to an e-mail or a message in a timely fashion, you should not take it personally. I do not mean it as an insult. I'm just afraid. Not to sound cliche, but fear is a very powerful emotion. And I've come to realize that I will probably never stop being afraid or insecure, which means the only way I'll get ahead in life is to accept that I am afraid and face my fears each and every single time I must. While I do fear failure, etc, etc, I think I fear loneliness and irrelevance even more. These old feelings have been especially acute the past few days. I have been very depressed, and I am tired of it. I wish I could say something like, "Now is the moment that I change! I am the new Jacob," but that would be a lie. I will make an effort, however. And I will try to bring some life back into this place, whether or not anyone reads it.
Looking back up at what I wrote... I can't say for sure if I really said anything. It just seems to ramble on and on. Don't lie! I know that's what you were thinking!........And if you weren't, you sure are thinking it now! (Of course, I had to put in that stupid, jokey part. It's one of my coping mechanisms) Sheesh, I really am rambling on now.
To go off on a tangent, I wonder if other people are also defined by that which they fear. I'm sure that many are.
To sum up this incredibly embarrassing post, I guess that I just want whoever reads this to know that if I did not respond to an e-mail or a message in a timely fashion, you should not take it personally. I do not mean it as an insult. I'm just afraid. Not to sound cliche, but fear is a very powerful emotion. And I've come to realize that I will probably never stop being afraid or insecure, which means the only way I'll get ahead in life is to accept that I am afraid and face my fears each and every single time I must. While I do fear failure, etc, etc, I think I fear loneliness and irrelevance even more. These old feelings have been especially acute the past few days. I have been very depressed, and I am tired of it. I wish I could say something like, "Now is the moment that I change! I am the new Jacob," but that would be a lie. I will make an effort, however. And I will try to bring some life back into this place, whether or not anyone reads it.
Looking back up at what I wrote... I can't say for sure if I really said anything. It just seems to ramble on and on. Don't lie! I know that's what you were thinking!........And if you weren't, you sure are thinking it now! (Of course, I had to put in that stupid, jokey part. It's one of my coping mechanisms) Sheesh, I really am rambling on now.
Now to make Embarrassing post over!
This project frustrates me...Watch as one character takes it out on the other
I don't know 
???
